When it’s the right time to breakup..

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime… This is one of my favorite sayings. I love it because as humans it is our nature to want to be part of, and learn through, relationships and communities. We traverse through life meeting new people at work, school, on the bus, through courses and these day in online communities. But not all of these people will stay by our side forever.

Some will just merely come in to teach us something, help us (like human angels), get us seemingly off track to help us get on track, or stay with us for most of our lives doing all of the above!

I believe in many ways we are like our primitive ancestors and are nomadic. We go to where the resources are that will nourish us, quench our thirst, support us and shelter us. But as nomads we need to move on when all that nourishment has gone, when there is nothing left to support us in our journey of growth back to our authentic selves.

So, in this two-part blog series I’d like to broche the sensitive topic of friendships and relationships and, in particular, how you know when it’s time, and perfectly ok, to adhere to an expiry date {part one} as well as how to let go of these relationships with grace; feeling good, cleansed and most importantly empowered {part two}.

Ok. Let’s just put it out there: Break ups, no matter who does the breaking up, are freakin’ hard. They are sad, bring up our fears and reflect back our insecurities and vulnerabilities. They are emotional atom bombs. And while intimate relationships are often what we think of when we think of breaking up, often I believe it is the friendship breakups that can be more challenging, emotionally taxing and often quite devastating.

Like you, I have been in relationships and friendships that have crumbled apart. Some have just petered out, others have been emotionally messy and heart wrenching on some level. The feeling of loss is always way more intense than I expect to feel, especially when I’ve known the decision has been the right one for me.

Loosing someone we’ve shared our intimate selves to, our secrets and hopes and dreams leaves us feel so exposed and vulnerable. Loosing a close friend who has shared fun times, wunderlust adventures and long long long meaningful conversations with can be like losing a part of ourselves, our identity. That’s hard stuff right there.

However, I’ve learned that through our grief and heartache there is a way to use our experience to grow and feel enriched, to be thankful for these souls regardless of how the relationship ended. These techniques can open us up to something more beautiful and aligned with who we are, who we are growing into.

Doing these types of exercises can cut deep. They can open up old wounds and reflect our shadows, pains and limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves the world we perceive. BUT, by working through our stuff and allowing ourselves to feel gracious for all parts of ourselves we clear the space for something beautiful to show up – I promise ya! 

PART ONE: When is the right time to break-up?

Broken Heart

As we grow, we change. We evolve and we start to see, and importantly “feel”, what we love and what we don’t. What is important to us and what is not so important. What makes us feel supported, joyful and spirited or hurt, unloved and disrespected.

Learning to respect ourselves is one of the most important lessons we can learn and one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. And often it can be through relationship breakups that we are able to see just how important loving ourselves truly is. Because friends, partners, husbands, wifes, business relationships can come and go easily and quickly but the one relationship you will have for your whole life is the one you have with yourself.

In essence it’s important that you love and respect yourself, and that this is reflected back to you through your relationships and friendships. When you truly love yourself you know your worth. And your worth doesn’t include being treated poorly.

Ok lets go..

If you are questioning a friendship or relationship right now think about grabbing a pen and paper (my favorite tools of trade)..

Jot down how you want your relationships to feel, what do you want out of them. Write a  a list of things you want out of your relationship/friendships. How do you want to feel, what things are important to you socially, emotionally, intimately etc. Write your best-case scenario – best buddie material, dream-boat lover type stuff. What do you lust about in your connections?

Once that is done, on another piece of paper..

Think about the person you are not feeling great about and write down how that person makes you feel.. do you feel happy and joyful, or disrespected and cut off.. write a few words or a whole page but just consider how you “feel” – you will use this again later in the process {part two).

If in that friendship or relationship you are feeling any of the below.. I truly believe that unless someone is willing to change – and by that I don’t mean that you accept less than want you deserve, then my guess is the expiry date is up:

// The friendship hinges on the effort YOU put into the relationship // It’s all one-way // You feel disrespected // You feel used // You feel unsupported //You feel small and insignificant // You feel hurt // You feel let down // You feel unappreciated // You don’t feel you can communicate honestly // Your likes and dislikes are a stark and yucky feel contrast // The conversation isnt inspiring, helpful, insightful, fun, joyful, playful, interesting..

If you are feeling these things I believe it is time to shed that relationship. When it becomes a negative story you keeping playing over and over, when you are sick of hearing yourself complaining, sick of feeling unloved, unapprecaite, unsupported then the relationship is toxic to you. It’s is time to let go.

I remember when I broke up with my teen love and it took ages to do it because I had all this fear crap running through my head:

What if I can’t find anyone else, What if no one else finds me attractive, How will I react when he moves on, How will I move on, If I do XYZ maybe he’ll change, If he does XYZ maybe we’ll change…

Same with friends I’ve needed to let go of, I would have these thoughts continuously playing:

What if my other friends don’t like me anyone, What if it’s the wrong choice, What if they bitch about me, What if they say something awful to me, What will others think of me, what if i end up with no friends..

The record of fear kept rolling, and that’s why doing anything that goes against what we are used to it so freakin’ hard. Our fear-based ego sets in to tell us in no uncertain terms we aren’t worth something better. But, when i was 19 I read my first self-help book: Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers and my thinking began to slowly change.

Jeffers says “Pushing through the fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from feeling of helplessness.” I did feel helpless. I felt worthless. I felt completely unnourished to be honest in all those relationships. So, surely moving on was better than feeling those things? So I did it. With my bf at the time and some friends too & and have continued to recognise when certain relationships arent healthy or serving me anymore and decided what i needed to do based on that. Sometimes that could only mean speaking honestly to the person and seeing what happens or it could mean cutting ties completely. But ya know what, I’ve never been without awesome friends. I’ve had man amazing and soulful relationships after those ones. The world won’t crumble in and you will meet other amazing souls who are worthy of your awesomeness.

Remember how you want to “feel” in your relationships, if you are not feeling this way most of the time it’s time to lovingly say your goodbyes. And know, you are not alone and that life is now opening up the opportunity for you to meet souls who are more aligned with what you want, who you are, who can help you grow even more.

Part two coming soon… Rituals for letting go lovingly.



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