Notes from a now Mum of two.

jacob

SEPTEMBER! This year has flown by in super speed and it feel likes I have been immersed in a bubble of extreme emotion since the year began.

Both my body and soul have experienced heart wrenching grief and sadness, complete bliss and gratitude, intense surges of love, zombie-like exhaustion mixed with mild depression and stress, joy of joys and total bewilderment. My heart has certainly had a marathon-type work out of which I will never forget.

To offer you a brief sense of why to-date 2015 as been so hyped on emotion for me; in January I lost my eldest brother through tragic circumstances and seven short weeks later my little boy entered the world in lightning speed, and then from about week two til he was 5.5 months of age he was incredibly discontent.

From an energetic perspective our little boy certainly chose a challenging time to enter into the world, into our little family. I was in shock and grieving the loss of my brother while my son was still growing inside of me. My little boy most certainly would have experienced surges of genuinely powerful hormones from me and atomic bomb sized sadness and energetic shake up from the broader family and community – his little body and soul had to learn how to cope with all that, quickly.

Energetically on some level I believe I disconnected from him (unconsciously) because I didn’t want him to be so effected by what was going on, so emotionally I have to ask – was he feeling abandoned by his mama? So very early on, before he was born, he was learning and adapting to stress; physically, emotionally and energetically.

Such a young age and so much going on.. and yet we couldn’t pin-point what was actually ‘wrong’, why was he constantly uncomfortable, unsettled, upset and in fight or flight mode? Of course the human mama-bear in me wanted him to be happy, content, easy… sleeping!

I am not going to lie, I was totally trying to control an uncontrollable situation. There was no Buddhist detachment happening here! And, in hindsight (oh how cruel you are!) this only served to compound my stress levels. My higher self was whispering for me to relax, release, detach, however the completely exhausted human in me was desperate for an answer. A quick fix. Some peace. Some space to rest. Rest.. pfft! Some freakin’ sleep!

Through this short (but ever. so. long) time we explored many theories, ideas and psychic nudges to uncover the source of our little boys constant upset-ness; I was breastfeeding so I went off diary, gluten, sugar, eggs (to no effect), we both tried different herbs, bach flower remedies, had numerous energy healings (Reiki + kinesiology), we lathered him up in creams and oils (he has a little bit of eczema), massaged him, worked on his gut health, started him on food early to help mature his digestion, went to a paediatrician.. the list went on. But while there was short wins here and there, it just felt like two steps forwards one step back.

Thankfully a few weeks ago we finally found something, I believe, which has worked for him – almost instantaneously! Chiropractic. With this dude, Dr. Simon Floreani. Amazing. This incredible healer looked at the whole picture, including spiritually and energetically, western and eastern perspectives. Totally my cup-of-tea.

The first day we met Simon he picked up my son out of the car seat and within 3-5 seconds (no joke!) he proceeded to rattle off ALL of Jacob’s issues without me saying a word. His first comment was “did he experience any trauma while in the womb?” – I was astounded!! From there everything else he said was 100% accurate! We went weekly for 5 weeks and now go every few weeks. I can now say I have a happy and content baby, except when he is hungry.. he is just like his mama on that one!

I now feel like I breathe out a huge sigh of relief. For him, and if I’m honest, for me too.

I commented to my husband last week that the last 9 months had been some of the most challenging and trying I had ever experienced. Physically + emotionally. Only a few weeks ago I literally I felt broken. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide under my doona cover. FOREVER. I had little left in my tank to offer anyone, lest of all myself. I experienced a complete crisis of confidence in my mothering abilities, like I had been failing both my daughter and son. I was constantly beating myself up because through my exhaustion, confusion and over all depletion – mind, body and soul – I felt like I hadn’t been able to bring my best self to any of my relationships.

But somehow from the depths of that despair, discouragement and fatigue I have felt a shift, not huge I’ll admit, but a shift has taken place. Mere days into my son new-found happiness about life my energy levels changed. I have had space to think, tiny snippets of time to reconnect with myself, reconnect with my husband, and with my children on a more present level. I also decided, very consciously that I wanted something better for myself, for my kids and husband, for our little family. Before my son arrived our house was a really calm and relaxing scared space, but for 9 months it’s been like living in a hurricane of emotions, so right now that’s what I am working my way back to. Slowly, but eagerly.

Looking back on this year, I’m not sure how could have done anything better. I was grieving, I was exhausted, I was confused and felt helpless to help my son feel well and happy.

But, I have to wonder… How can we experience the bliss of love, if we don’t know the sadness of heartache? How can we truly see ourselves (faults and all) when life is always rosey?

Sometimes it’s in the canyons of hopelessness that our shadows reveal themselves. That’s certainly been the case for me. That anger we’ve pushed down, those feelings of “I am not enough”, jealously, discontentment, feelings of lack. It’s scary, that place where you feel so desperate. You feel SO disconnected with yourself, or who you thought you were… and with everyone and everything around you.

But thankfully when these shadows reveal themselves we are given the opportunity to heal. If we are open to it.

All the things I was feeling, while they felt wretched and dense in my body, still had to be felt. And in the midst of that stress I did the best I could.  And like any challenge, once the dust begins to settle we often get glimpes of the “message” or “lessons” in which we gained, and the last 9 months have taught me so much. Although I know the real wisdom is yet to reveal itself… it will continue to unfold as I continue to shed these layers.

Suffice to say… since my new found snippets of energy I have been journalling my little heart out! SO amazing, cathartic and insightful!

I’m excited to be back in my little cyber land, creating, thinking about how I can serve You better. Thank you for coming back and if there is ANYTHING I can do to support you, I would love to hear from you!

Much love,

Catherine xo

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