It seems fitting that I talk about rituals for letting go this week on the blog, as the Easter energy, which is still around, embodies that exact same premise. Letting go of what is not serving you and stepping into your authentic space.
Last week I discussed when the right time to break up was/is. It’s a hard topic and is totally subjective and unique to your relationships. Only you can make that call about what feels right for you. To summaries, I believe the right time to let go of a relationship is when it is no longer healthy and no longer serving you – when you are feeling unnourished more than feeling supported.
Firstly I truly believe that it is vital for us to FEEL all our emotions, regardless of whether they are good or bad. This notion of always being positive doesn’t really work because our natural reactions are then forced to shut down.. and it’s my belief that if we do not feel our emotions fully they will express themselves somewhere else in the body as a illness/dis-ease.
So I urge you not to push those feelings down, I encourage you to allow them to come up and out of your mind and body. Cry, Yell, Laugh, Mope, Grieve, Sweat, Swear.. all the good stuff. It’s cathartic. It’s important. And it’s really healthy.
Conversely I also believe these feeling once expressed need a cut off date. Maybe a few days, maybe even a week. But don’t let those feelings of sadness drag on, because it will take over. Remember you always have control and a choice over your thoughts, grieving is important but so is moving on with grace and love for your own joy.
So, today I share with you two modern day rituals I have used many times to help me process, move through and gain wisdom from relationships I have said goodbye to.
Ritual One – finding your Gold:
This is soul-shifting stuff.
// Write down all the ways this person made you “feel”. Why did you break up – the “feelings” behind it.
// What do all these words or sentences have in common?
// Narrow it down more, as much as possible.. now can you see a theme?
For example: You may say > I felt unimportant, unsupported, rejected, never heard, he/she wasn’t proud of me, unattractive…
What do these have in common? I felt like my opinion, personality, uniqueness and beauty weren’t valued or appreciated.
Narrow down some more.. “I felt unloveable”
This may sound crazy-coconuts, I know, but….. this IS truly your GOLD.
Take stock of other areas in your life where you feel a similar feeling?
What people tend to notice here is a theme starting to emerge. Whatever the core feeling/s are you have discovered you may begin to recognise those feelings reoccurring in other relationships or areas of your life – work, sport, creativity, family and friends..
This GOLD is what you need to be working on right now. This issue or limiting belief you hold is where your work is right now, t’s been brought to you as a gift, as a mirror and will only keep being reflected back to you until you dissolve it. This takes work, Im not going to lie. But you are worth it, because once you are able to work through and let go of that belief huge shifts happen and you make space from something better in your life.
Have you ever had a friend who just keeps picking boyfriends who cheat. Doesn’t matter what what she does, she always picks those dodgy guys who cheats and treats her with disrespect? This friend, as amazing as I am sure she is, just hasn’t worked out what these guys are mirroring back to her.
Our outer life is a direct reflection of our inner life, our mind.. If we believe (consciously or not) that we are un-loveable, unworthy, unacceptable or whatever belief we hold about ourselves, this is always reflected back to us like a mirror in our outer world experience.
Remember that our limiting beliefs work behind the scenes and they can be hard to spot but this mirroring technique – what is this person or situation mirroring/reflecting to me – it can make it a simple way to spot them. Once you spot it, you got it so now it’s time to work on releasing that old out-dated belief to make way from something awesome, nourishing and sweet.
Ritual Two – the art of letting go.
// Write your ex a letter; write down all the stuff you wanted to say, all the good stuff, the bad stuff, the “why didn’t you ever listen” or “I hated the way you made me feel when..” or “I’m going to miss your/our…” or “I used to love our…” get it all UP and OUT of your body & mind.
// Now write all the things you have learned about YOURSELF and how this relationship has HELPED you grow. Eg “I know what I don’t want in a relationship; selfishness or weekend filled with alcohol” or “I know its is really important to me that my friends support me with honesty and kindness.” “Im not longer going to put myself last” “Im not going to allow my own identity to be lost in our relationship.”
// Say your final thank you and I love yous.
// Fold it up and along with some sage (if possible, but not essential) burn the letter and say a prayer of gratitude for all you have learned. Feel the love and gratitude for this person and all that they have share with you and taught you.
Burning the letter is not done out of anger or aggression, burning traditionally has been used as cleansing ritual. In this situation by burning it has always been my intention that i am saying goodbye and thank you and sending all the good and bad stuff up into the ethers, into the light. Think of how the aboriginals, and other ancient cultures, would burn parts of the bush only to allow for the natural course of new growth to come through. You are burning the old, to make way for new growth in your own life.
Although challenging for most, it is ok and often essential to let relationships go. It’s ok to decide that a relationship has run its course, the expiry date is up, you have learned and taught. It is healthy for everyone to move on and make way for something new, something that matches the way you have / are evolving.
I had a close friend in high school and early 20’s and we used to have an absolute ball together. We travel together, shared lots of stories, hopes and dreams, helped each other out during tough times. I loved her, she was awesome. Unfortunately through a series of happenings (from both sides) we are no longer friends. I was really angry about it for some time. I missed her. I missed what we shared and was angry that a person I was so close to could treat me with such disrespect. A few years later I did these rituals around that relationship and it completely changed my thinking about her, and about myself. I can honestly say I never think of her in a negative way any more, ever. She gave me an amazing gift and I am truly grateful. What a amazing soul. Now when I look back at that friendship I go straight for the copious memories I have of us having fun. It’s a really good place to be.
These rituals can be a beautiful way of gaining closure without having to question the other person. In the end, no-one else can tell you any of this. They aren’t consciously aware – it is all happening on a soul level, but playing out in the physical level. But you will feel a great sense of wisdom and peace once you have worked on this.
I would love to know if you have any rituals for letting go of relationships. Or if you feel inclined to try these – how did you go, what shifts happened?
Love to You,